


hurt less, heart less

by junkeigo



Series: redox reaction [2]
Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Keigo is a Sociopath, M/M, Nobody Dies, Psychological Trauma, There's Yonaruki If You Squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23592253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junkeigo/pseuds/junkeigo
Summary: The more Takumi spends time with Ren, the more he feels lighter.
Relationships: Kawanishi Takumi/Kawashiri Ren, Kawanishi Takumi/Kono Junki, Kono Junki/Sato Keigo, Shiroiwa Ruki/Yonashiro Sho
Series: redox reaction [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698193
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	hurt less, heart less

Ren loads the bag on the back of the car after Sho, and both of them move to the window of the backseat where Junki is sitting. Junki’s features are hollowed out, his body pale in comparison and there’s just this sickly look on him that absolutely tells Ren the younger is not okay. The younger also kept on looking around, as if in a paranoid trance. There’s a staff from the company with him in the car just in case, and as the vehicle is starting up Sho leans down to wave goodbye at him.

“You’re always welcome to come back, and if you need anything just let us know. We’ll try to visit as much as we can.” Sho reassures Junki, whose gaze is unfocused. He snaps out of it after a while, and gives a small smile to Sho. It’s not as bright and cheery as before, but it was better than none. 

“We’ll miss you around, and rest well Junki.” Ren says, truthful. 

Junki doesn’t say a wordㅡhe hasn’t talked much ever since he was discharged, and he refuses to. Ren, along with Ruki and Sho, had discussed it multiple times with the company and maybe it was for the best that Junki stayed back in Nara as well. Junki personally opted for it on the only time he spoke out. 

The car then eventually goes, leaving Sho and Ren standing behind the gates.

“Well, that’s that.” Sho sighs out. Ren can feel and hear the older male’s breath shake. He knows Sho would deny, as the older always had the urge to act like everything is fine with him so as to not worry the other members. Ren doesn’t have to ask to know that Sho is taking it personally to an extent, blaming himself for everything that had happened. 

“It’s gonna be fine. He’ll get better.” Ren says, wiping his hands on his jeans.

“I failed him, you know. I failed all of you.” Sho says as they begin to walk out. 

“Nobody’s perfect Sho. It’s not your fault either, and I don’t think he’d like it that you’re blaming yourself for all of this.”

“But I could have prevented it. I could have resolved things sooner.” 

“I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone could have, honestly speaking.” he says, and it’s the truth. Sho was their leader, and he was responsible for the members, but whatever happened was beyond their hands. 

Sho looks like he wants to add more, but the conversation has already died. Ren could see the toll it took on their leader, how worn down he felt. He doesn’t speak up about it, Sho has had enough talk for the day from him.

Ren could see Keigo sitting in his spot in the veranda, looking at the spot where the car was parked earlier. He must have been there for quite some time now, as the cigarette he’s smoking is almost done. The younger spots both of them, and he gives a small smile. Ren would’ve thought it was nothing, but things have changed ever since that day. 

Sho doesn’t say anything and just walks past him, going straight inside, and he follows. 

* * *

Takumi makes sure to always double, triple lock his doors and windows at night. 

It’s a hassle, when he needs to go to the bathroom suddenly in the middle of the night, but he doesn’t feel safe or comfortable anymore. He doesn’t know about the other members, as everyone had been pretty much conflicted and split about it, but for himㅡit was a form of defense. It makes him feel safe and sane, at least for a short time. 

Junki had refused to see him or go near him ever since the drugs from his system had been washed out and he had woken up. Everytime he would go as much as appear in his line of vision Junki would throw a fit, and it pains Takumi that he couldn’t even comfort him in the time that he knew the older needed it the most. Watching Junki go through his sudden attacks pained him so much that he couldn’t stop crying in his room every time it happens, because he wants to take all that pain away from him but he can’t—and there’s absolutely nothing he could do to make everything better. 

He rewinds that day in his head over and over again as if he can go back and change everything. But he can’tㅡand that’s the worst part of it all. He was already there. He had asked the right question. Keigo had lied to him in front of his face without any remorse, and Takumi thinks that if he could have pushed further, if he could have just insisted to go in that nightㅡ

There’s a huge gaping hole of regret that has grown in him—rotten and hungry, eating his flesh from the inside out that he finds himself throwing up whatever he had eaten, or what he has not. He tries not to show it to the other members, they already have their own worries to think about. Regardless, nothing had been the same ever since that day, and Takumi would do everything to have a do over just to save Junki. 

He finds himself always abruptly waking up in the middle of the night, his entire body covered with a sheen layer of sweat and his breathing rapid. He slips on his house slippers and unlocks the door, heading towards the kitchen to get a glass of water. The entire house is quietㅡwith nothing but his footsteps making small noises as he passes by the rooms. He always finds himself taking extra caution as he passes by Keigo’s roomㅡas if by instinct. 

He’s not comfortable with him around. 

It takes him a while before he gets to reach the kitchen, and he had just closed the fridge when he catches a moving shadow lightly shocking him, causing him to take a step back. The glass of water is placed on the table abruptly, and Keigo’s face becomes clearer as he moves away from the window where there’s light from outside. 

“Thirsty?” Keigo asks him nonchalantly, as he opens the fridge after Takumi to get water. 

He doesn’t say anything, and Keigo doesn’t either. He’s just standing there, and he doesn’t even know why he’s frozen in place. 

Keigo drinks his water, eyes trained on Takumi the entire time. He knows it’s Keigo standing in front of him, and yet it feels like he’s looking at the eyes of a completely different person. It scares him, because Keigo had gone from being one of the closest members he had in the team, to whoever was standing in front of him. He doesn’t know him anymore. 

“Don’t act like a stranger, loosen up.” Keigo urges him mockingly. 

He doesn’t tense down. 

“I’m not going to hurt you, no.” Takumi knows the older is being sarcastic. He can sense from the tone. 

“How am I so sure of that? You hurt Junki.” he says, sure. Junki might have denied to Sho that Keigo was responsible for what happened, but he knows that the older was involved one way or another. There’s just no way that he isn’t. 

“I didn’t hurt him, I would never hurt my Junkichi.” Keigo denies, even having the audacity to use the special nickname he had with Junki. 

“You  _ hurt  _ him, Keigo. Even if Junki says you didn’tㅡ” he pauses, collecting himself. “ㅡyou still did. He would have still been here.”

“Yeah, he would be here, fooling with me and then reporting back to you by the end of the day on what he did to me as you two share a bed..” Keigo says gingerly, as if he chewed on something bitter. “Don’t even try to play dumb. I know you know what I mean.” 

Takumi wants to say something, but the words are stuck in there somewhere. Keigo is looking at him unfazed, and then tilts his head to the side as if to mock Takumi. 

Keigo chuckles, claiming victory in the conversation when Takumi had not said anything yet. 

“I hope you sleep well, Takumi.” Keigo says as he moves towards him, giving him a pat on the shoulder before going outside. "Watch your back, always."

* * *

The dorm has gained an odd sense of normalcy quicker than what Ren expected.

Everyone had been acting as if nothing ever happened, even Sho. The only difference was that Junki wasn’t around anymore. 

Ren feels weird about it, because it’s only right that everyone moves on from it but he feels like some things still need to be discussedㅡand nobody is talking about the elephant in the room. He corners Ruki one night, only to receive a cold reply. 

“Let’s just drop it for now, Ren. Sho has been through so much already, let’s not add more to it, okay?” Ruki is stating as if it’s something that cannot be contested. 

However, as he watches closely, not everyone had returned to their normal state. 

Takumi had been acting off ever since Junki left. 

Ren understands the strain. Takumi had been with Junki and was involved with him romanticallyㅡand yet he was one of the people who Junki did not want to see the most when he was awake. Ren can’t help but feel sad just seeing Takumi down like that, and if only he could be like a sponge that sucks away all of the negativity clouding the pink haired male at the moment he would. 

As much as he would hate to admit it, his feelings for Takumi had never wavered ever since. 

If anyone was keeping tabs—for the record, he liked him first before Junki did. 

The difference was that Ren didn’t act upon his feelings. He thought it would be just fine to sit back and watch Takumi from a safe distance, watch over him and help him and then when the right time comes he will tell him everything he’d felt for him. He was also partly afraid that it wasn’t time yet, that Takumi had not known him yet enough to like him and that his feelings will end up unreciprocatedㅡ which did eventually happen, because Ren didn’t take enough chances. 

He had always been afraid of failure, and in the process of trying not to lose he ended up not winning either. He’s just empty handed.

Ren never stopped looking at Takumi from afar, even when he was already dating Junki. It’s not illegal, he was still allowed to look out for Takumi despite all that. He watched them act all happy around each other, and act as if no one else is there and the world is just between the two of them. He sometimes watched as Takumi gave Junki a hug, and from his spot he could see Keigo do the same thing he’s doing. Just watching. Both of them have been stuck in dead end routes both of them didn’t even want to be in. 

Keigo didn’t need to tell them, it was common knowledge he liked Junki. The same way it was common knowledge that Ren liked Takumi, but the younger never took it seriouslyㅡor anything other than ‘as a bandmate’. 

He’s doing an early morning run when he spots Keigo on the trail he’s taking. 

Keigo is walking, hands inside the pockets of his hoodie. It’s Junki’s hoodie, Ren knows from the brand. He’s not smoking for once, to which Ren is grateful for. He never was a fan of it, because it’s bad for his health; but Keigo’s an adult now, and even if he (or Sho) tried to tell him to quit it he will probably still continue doing it. 

Ren slows down his pace gradually until he’s finally caught up to him, and they walk beside each other. It’s a little some time before 6 AM, and the sun is almost there but barely. The sky is dark enough to provide a cool breeze, and bright enough for Ren to see the dark circles under Keigo’s eyes that have been a recent staple in him. 

“What are you doing out so early?” Ren asks Keigo. 

“Taking a walk.” Keigo says without skipping a beat. “What are  _ you _ doing out so early?” 

“Going for a morning jog. For my thoughts.” 

“For your thoughts.” Keigo snorts at him.

“What’s wrong about that? Don’t you run too because of your thoughts?” he asks him and Keigo adjusts the beanie on his head. 

Keigo shrugs. They fall into silence after that, with Keigo walking beside him. The area is so quiet that the only things he could hear are their footsteps grazing the gravel. Now that he’s there with Keigo alone, he has been going over his head if he should ask him about Junki, but he doesn’t know how to approach it in a way that wouldn’t trigger Keigo into something.

“Do you still like Takumi?” Keigo asks him out of nowhere while they’re walking. 

“What?” 

“Do you still like him? Despite all that?” Keigo repeats after himself. 

“I’ve never stopped.” he replies almost immediately. 

“How did you do it? How are you still fine after everything?” 

“I don’t know. It’s not like I can just tell myself to stop anytime I wanted, just like how I couldn’t stop myself from falling.” Ren tells him earnestly.

“You’ve never hated him? Not even for a second?” Keigo asks, and it makes him think. Sure, he was sad that Takumi liked someone else, but the younger had never done anything that enraged him to the point of no return, or at least him getting visibly upset over it. He’s not mad at Takumi, or Junki. They just happened to like each other. Who he’s mad at is himself, for letting the chance slip away from his fingertips like free flowing water. 

“I don’t remember any particular thing that made me sway away from him, and even if he didㅡI guess I liked him way more than I think I did.” 

Keigo exhales, and makes an amused sound. For a while it gives him a sense of dejavu. 

“I wish to be as strong as you are Ren.” Keigo admits, kicking the gravel as he walks. “I can’t be the same.” 

“Why’s that so?” 

“I get hurt too much, too easily. I’m not as strong as people think I am.” Keigo is solemn, and Ren spares a quick look. The younger looked genuinely sad as he looked beyond, like a fragile hollow glass figure. 

“That’s fine though, we’re just humans.”

“We’re humans who love the wrong people.” 

“I don’t think we love the wrong people thoughㅡ” Ren says, thinking about Junki and Takumi. “We just loved them at the wrong time.”

Keigo doesn’t say a word, and Ren could only wonder what’s going on in his head.    
“You know what really happened to Junki, don’t you?” he seizes the chance, the buildup that Keigo gave him. Keigo is unfazed, still walking and kicking pebbles as they go. 

“If I say I do, what would it change?” Keigo is heartbroken, Ren could grasp just from the tone of his voice. “Junki doesn’t want to see me anymore.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Maybe one day.”

Ren doesn’t push it and Keigo excuses himself for a quick smoke. Ren tells him to go ahead as he wants to head back in the house anyway for coffee. 

Sho is up when he returns, just in his robe and with a cup of coffee on one hand. He looks up at Ren who’s wiping his sweat off from the light jog. 

“Morning run?” Sho asks and he nods.

“Walked with Keigo half the way too.” 

“Keigo?” 

“Yeah. He said he’s going for a quick smoke break before coming back here.”

“I worry about him.” Sho admits before taking a sip of coffee. 

“Don’t you always?” he jokes to lighten up, but Sho’s face is stern.

“Something just doesn’t quite settle with me.” 

“I thought so too but I don’t know, honestly speaking.” 

* * *

Takumi couldn’t eat properly. 

He’s just staring at the soup Syoya cooked for them, and every time he tries to take a spoonful he feels like just vomiting it all out. Sho tells him to eat up more and he does try, taking a spoonful of rice and the soup. It takes him a long time to do so, because he could feel the way Keigo is looking at him intently from where he’s casually eating. He’s not sure if the other members notice, but he feels as if he was a turkey being cooked in an oven and Keigo is just waiting for him to be finished. 

“Did the soup taste bad or…?” Syoya asks him, and he tries to muster up a smile, or what seems to be at least close to it. 

“No it’s fine, the soup is okay it’s just—” Takumi stops himself mid sentence, because he’s not sure what to say either. He can’t eat because of Keigo? Junki? This entire messed up situation? 

He knows it's not the right time and place and so he sits back and stays silent, and Syoya takes it as a cue. Takumi could see the way Ruki put a hand on Syoya’s arm as a signal as well, as if he couldn’t see them.

The group stayed silent, and the rest of the lunch was awkward. He feels bad, because the other members are acting like they’re walking on eggshells around himㅡhighly likely because of what happened to Junki. Not to mention he’s feeling sick and all he wants to do is empty out the contents of his stomach and lock himself in his room, away from Keigo’s eyes. 

When everyone had scattered already to do their own things and he couldn’t take it anymore, he rushes to the nearest sink and just expels everything that he had eaten. His stomach feels like a rope being tied and twisted, and even though he has nothing left on his stomach he keeps on retching. It hurts so much that he feels tears involuntarily fall as he clutches his stomach. 

He’s pressed against the sink when he feels a hand gently rubbing his back on circular motion. It takes him quite a while before the twisting gut feeling washes away, and Ren is still there looking after him. He’d gotten him a glass of water that he gulps down in one go and he wipes his tears using the back of his hand.

“Are you feeling better now?” Ren asks, sitting on the chair by the kitchen island across him. He hiccups a little but nods in response. 

“I’m fine, It’s fineㅡ" 

“This isn’t the first time isn’t it?” 

Takumi wonders if he should lie to him, but it’s not like Ren has done anything against him except be concerned. 

“It comes and goes.” 

“When was the last time you ate properly?”

“I don’t remember anymore.”

Ren looks at him with worried eyes, and Takumi wants to tell him that he’s fine so that look disappears from his sight, but he just can’t bear to lie in front of Ren for some reason. 

“Have you told Sho about this?” 

“Please don’t tell himㅡ” he pleads, almost jumping off his seat. “ㅡI don’t want to bother him, he’s already thinking of too many things andㅡ” 

“ㅡbut you’re not okay too, Takumi. When you suddenly collapse because of malnutrition or some other cause it will eventually become an even bigger concern.” 

Takumi knows Ren isn’t the scolding type like this, usually he would have done it in a different manner so he’s equally as surprised. This is the first time he’d heard Ren use that tone on him, or on anyone rather. 

“Please. I owe this one.” he still begs of him and Ren exhales deeply.

“Fine. But the second this happens again I’m telling Sho, and we’re getting you checked up.” he says, and Takumi sighs.

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?”

“There’s already so many things happening in here and yet I’m an additional body count for people to worry about.” 

“I do understand. It’s not easy for you as much as it is for us. I mean, especially for you, because it’s Junki…” Ren finds himself trailing off, as he doesn’t know what to say next. Takumi could feel that Ren was trying to choose his words carefully, considering the situation. 

“It’s not just Junki, it’sㅡ” he’s only about to say Keigo’s name when the older appears into view, as if suddenly summoned by the thought of Takumi thinking about him. 

“Please, go on. Don’t mind me.” Keigo says as he passes the two of them, picking something from one of the cupboards. Takumi doesn’t even want to entertain him, he’s still feeling sickly from the throwing up he did and he’s not in the mood. He knows that him being upset or weak will only feed Keigo so he refuses to show that he’s succumbing. 

“You didn’t look too well during lunch Takumi. You fine?” 

“He’s fine now.” Ren answers for him instead, when the older man figures out he’s not going to talk.

“Good to hear that. Don’t want any one of us to get hurt even more, am I right?” Keigo says, and the small curve on the corner of Keigo’s lips make him sick. He doesn’t know if Ren is picking up on the fact that Keigo is taunting him, but it’s all too obvious to Takumi. 

Keigo leaves eventually, a smug look on his face worn until he’s out of sight. 

Takumi takes a couple of breaths to calm himself down, he wants to wipe that taunting face off and get back at him for ruining Junki like that he holds himself back.

He never notices the concerned look on Ren’s face, ever looking out at him. 

“Did something happen between the two of you?” Ren asks, and Takumi shakes his head.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine now, I think. I just want to go to my room and rest.”

“Do you need help orㅡ”    
“No, I’m fine. Thanks Ren.” he says, hoping it didn’t sound as bad as he thought it did. He didn’t want to be snappy towards Ren, but he really just feels tired and wants to be alone. 

“Let me know if you need anything, Takumi.” Ren offers and he nods as a response. 

He passes by Keigo’s room as he goes on his own and finds him standing, leaning on the door frame looking by the window. Keigo looked at him for a while without saying anything, and the pink haired male couldn’t read his expression. 

* * *

“‘I want to help him, but I don’t think I’m the one he needs right now.” Ren shares to Keigo one late afternoon. They’re just sitting in the veranda, watching the sun shine lazily to everything their field of sight can catch and there’s a light breeze in the air. It’s more humid to stay inside so Ren had resorted to staying out and it just so happens that Keigo is there as well. He doesn’t know why, but he finds the company of the younger male worthwhile. At the back of his mind there is the looming wariness, but he doesn’t let it show so much so as to not push Keigo away. 

Keigo is not smoking something, but he seems to be enjoying some drink that he even offers to Ren at the time to which he declines. 

“What makes you say that?” Keigo asks him, tilting his glass in all directions slushing the contents around. 

“I know he’s not okay, and he knows he isn’t. But he’s been acting indifferent when I try to help him, and he doesn’t want Sho to know either.” 

“Give him time, let him just constantly feel you there.” Keigo says, stopping to think. “He might not say it, but eventually he’s going to need someone to lean on, and we both know that needs to be you.” 

“What if he ends up just pushing me away?” 

“He won’t, and you will see why. Can I be honest, between you and me?” Keigo asks, and he nods. “You’re always doubting yourself so you’re afraid of taking risks.”

“Risks can cost me all or nothing.” he admits, and Keigo makes a gesture that almost spills the contents of his glass around. 

“That’s why it’s called a risk. But look at the situation right now. Takumi is all by himself, and there isn’t a single hurdle in between you two. So why are you holding back?” Keigo asks, but it’s more of a hypothetical question. 

Ren thinks hard, staring at the distance letting his mind run off to think about Takumi.

As much as he doesn’t want to say it, Keigo made a point.

“You could consider it as a favor even, from me.” the younger says, taking a swig of the alcohol he was cradling. Ren wants to ask what he meant by that, but he knows Keigo wouldn’t give him a concrete answer.

“How about you? Don’t you think about him? Miss him?” Ren asks instead, pertaining to Junki. 

“All the time.” Keigo says wistfully. “I want to see him again.” 

“But he doesn’t want to see you—” Ren remembers, how Junki reacted the moment he saw Keigo when he was recovering. It was something he never thought he would witness in his entire life, Junki crying for them to take Keigo away and yelling, all while clutching at his neck trying to breathe. It took Sho and a couple of nurses to calm him down, as he himself rushed Keigo away from the younger’s room. It was more or less how he reacted when he saw Takumi as well, and it was something that never left Ren’s mind ever since he saw it both happen. 

“I know that, you don’t have to remind me.” Keigo snaps for a second, but then Ren could see how he relaxes again from the sudden tensing up. “That’s why I regret sometimes.” 

“Regret what?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him, and I think about it every day. My Junkichi, I could never. He would never listen to me now, no matter how hard I tried.” Keigo says, more to himself than Ren. “If I had the same chances you had, I wouldn’t let it go. I’m running out of it now, and I like you as a person Ren, so I’m telling you this to not end up the same way I did.” 

Ren watches as Keigo lights up a cigarette for himself, even bothering to face away as Ren doesn’t inhale much of the second hand smoke from where he’s sitting. 

It’s been a long time since he’d last seen Keigo look happy, or alive. 

* * *

Takumi finds himself getting stuck in the same nightmare over and over again.

It’s the same continued scene, with the same thing happening to him over and over as if on a loop. He’s inside an indoor swimming pool area, the ones where competitions are usually held. He doesn’t know why he’s there, but he’s lying on a flat board and then the next moment he finds himself suddenly yanked into the water and there’s something dragging him down so even though he tries to swim upwards he only gets stuck in the same place. He holds his breath in order to calm down and find a way to go up, but then out of nowhere Keigo is there, prying his mouth open getting all the water to fill his lungs. He chokes, but the more he does the more water comes in, and he could feel his lungs be filled so badly that it hurts his chest as if he was set on fire and he is clawing at Keigo’s grip—to which he always wakes up after. He’s sweating, hair damp and shirt clinging to his skin, and his chest feels as if it was really about to burst from being filled with water. It hurts, and it takes him a while to calm down his breathing. He stays sitting down on his bed, recollecting himself. 

It scares him how realistic it feels, how his body feels like it had been through what he had in the dream. His heart is pounding at his chest, and he tries to think of other things to get it out of his system. 

He goes downstairs to get a glass of water, and when he looks at the clock it’s only a little before 2AM. He hadn’t even been asleep for 3 hours. He thinks about going to the other members to distract himself from thinking, but then who else would be up at this hour? The young ones would have definitely been sleeping already, and Keigo is not an option. Sho and Ruki would be, considering the violet haired man’s nature, but he doesn’t want to intrude on whatever the couple is doing at the moment. 

If Junki was only there—and yet, if Junki  _ was there _ he would probably not be having the same nightmare over and over again. He would be fine. They would be fine. None of this would have all happened. 

He finds himself standing in front of Ren’s door, and he could hear the faint sound of game music from beyond the door. He thinks on whether this is the right thing to do, but before he could give it more thought the door opens on itself and Ren’s bare face is faced in front of him. The elder is already in his pajamas, but it’s obvious that he had been up playing some game in his console.

“Takumi? What’s up?” Ren asks, and he just stands there, blinking.

“Do you mind if I just stay over? For a while.” he says, and Ren must have hinted something in his voice, because his expression immediately changes.

“What happened?” the elder asks worriedly. 

“I just had a bad dream.” he says, and Ren nods. 

“Let me just go get you something to drink, I’ll be back. You can go in.” Ren says, before scurrying downstairs. 

He lets himself in the room, and it’s not really much different from how it was when they first moved. Ren’s bed is backed up against the corner of the room and there’s a small bedside table. There isn’t much decoration compared to Sho or Junki’s room, just a couple of fan made stuff displayed on the corner and a box of what seems to be fan letters to Ren. He had always been a neat person, and Takumi appreciated it because it was convenient. 

Ren comes back with a cup of tea in a tray, for both of them, as well as water. 

“I’m not sure what you wanted right now, but I brought tea just in case.” he says, setting the tray down on his small desk. He thanks him and takes a sip of it, as he sits on the foot of Ren’s bed.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to talk about something else?” Ren asks him, ever so considerate and Takumi feels thankful.

They end up talking about the most random things to distract him. Just like their old days, when they usually end up in the same class or team during the competition. They talk about the other members, as well as the games Ren usually plays, and even the random news they both saw in the morning. Ren didn’t get tired of entertaining him, jumping from one conversation to another just for Takumi. 

It’s been a while that the two of them had spent time alone like this, and it gives him nostalgia. It was no secret they complimented each other that’s why it was so easy for them to suddenly slip into work and conversation, but he doesn’t even remember when did it become like a foreign concept for the two of them to be like this. 

He finds himself dozing off, just listening to silver haired man talk about the foods he hates, and the next time he opens his eyes, he realizes he fell asleep on Ren’s bed. There’s a blanket on top of him and he must have moved in his sleep, because he wasn’t by the corner anymore where he last remembers. Ren isn’t in the room anymore but he can see the futon the older male set up for him to sleep in even if it was his own room and he could have just simply woken Takumi up to return to his own room. 

He fixes up Ren’s bed and goes down for breakfast, only to find Sho and Ruki eating. He asks them if they had seen Ren and Sho tells him that the latter had gone for a morning run a while back. 

He settles in a chair adjacent to Ruki to eat cereal, and as he’s drinking he realizes that the food isn’t as bad to get down (his bowl was already practically almost done) and that he didn’t dream of being choked underwater. It was the first dreamless night he’d had in weeks. 

* * *

Ren finds himself being with Takumi more frequently after that night he stood outside his room.

He thinks about how Takumi went to him, on his own accord, when he could have gone to literally any other member. Although he did say that if ever Takumi needed him, his door was always open to him, but he never really thought Takumi would go through with it. He didn’t keep his hopes up in order to not get hurt at first, but as he watches Takumi look at him with his entire focus on him, there’s just something that stirs in his chest. 

He didn’t have the heart to wake Takumi up that night, when the younger had fallen asleep on his bed. He looked peaceful, the most he’d ever been in weeks, and Ren watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and how soft his features were. Takumi had always been the most handsome among all of them and it was somewhat a universally accepted fact. The thought that he gets to watch him like that, makes the elder feel as if he had won the lottery. Days passed by, and their talks had happened randomly and more frequently. Since they didn’t have any schedules except for individual ones for the meantime, half the time he just spent being with Takumi. It was just like the old days, except even better because there was something different about being friends as trainees and talking about how to do this or that compared to them talking now about life in general and the personal things, about their families and each other. 

He doesn’t know how it had happened, but gradually he can see their bond had changed—it became stronger to some extent. 

He gets looks from Ruki every now and then, but the violet haired man doesn’t push him on it. Ruki isn’t the confrontational type unless it's necessary, but he knows everything that’s being seen is always reported to Sho. He’s not doing anything wrong, he thinks, and Keigo agrees for the most part. 

In the time that he’s not spending with Takumi, he finds himself accompanying Keigo on runs or just sitting in the veranda for short periods of the time. Sho had mentioned in passing that Keigo’s physical state isn’t getting better, and he had laid off the sleeping pills for some reason and isn’t visiting the doctor. He kind of took it as a personal responsibility to keep an eye on him, just to make sure he doesn’t collapse on himself or anything. 

In return Keigo listens to him, and he’s probably the only person he had talked to about Takumi. He feels an odd sense of comfort, probably because Keigo doesn’t judge him or because they had gone through the same fate at some point. Keigo tells him that it’s fine to hang out with Takumi, and to not feel guilty about it. They haven’t done anything else but talk for the most part and spend time with each other, and the times that Takumi slept over at Ren’s room with him on the floor because he respects the younger like that is nothing bad.

Keigo tells him that he’s doing a good job at taking his chances. 

Sometimes they talk about Junki, when Keigo wants to talk about him. 

Only then he remembers that Junki is still there, still alive somewhere, and anytime he could come back and if he wanted, he could take Takumi and everything they’ve had together up to this point will be voided out again just like the last time. The idea of it worries him, and he doesn’t tell Takumi because he knows it’s going to be more or less the same as opening a can of worms.

“What will you do if Junki comes back?” he asks Keigo, one morning they’re taking a walk around the perimeter. Keigo is wearing Junki’s hoodie again, a different one one this time, and Ren is wondering at the point where did Keigo get those —because he was the one who helped Junki pack his belongings and he was sure that everything was packed in and nothing was left behind. 

Keigo seems to be deep in thought, as he stays silent for a long time, 

“I’m going to do things right this time.” he says, after the long silence that enveloped them as they walked. 

“What if he doesn’t want to see you still?” 

“I think things will be different this time around.” Keigo says, as if he’s certain about it. 

“How are you so sure about it?”

“I just have a good feeling about it.” Keigo shrugs, and runs ahead of Ren leaving the older behind. 

* * *

The more Takumi spends time with Ren, the more he feels lighter.

He doesn’t know what it is but something about the older man is healing, the more he feels as if nothing had gone wrong. Ren was encapsulating him in a bubble, not allowing him to touch the dirty ground and just stay weightless, afloat from reality. 

It’s something that he had been getting used to, and at an alarming rate at that. 

He gets wary, feeling guilty that for the past few days all he had been doing was spend time with Ren that he forgets Junki —but it’s not like he could just easily show up on the older’s doorstep in Nara without Junki having a breakdown. Junki had purposely told him to never contact him again before he left, and he knows it's because of one person. 

It doesn’t help that Junki had lied to Sho—to everyone, saying Keigo wasn’t involved in it for some reason that Takumi doesn’t even know now, because Junki had refused to let him in. So now Keigo just roams around, free to scare him and back him up in a corner every chance he gets. At least when Ren is there he feels better, safer, and he knows that Ren would be there for him and he could trust him with his life, should anything go wrong and Keigo finally decides that it’s his turn to go. 

Ren snaps him out of his thoughts—they’re supposed to be playing one of Ren’s games on the console to pass the time but he hasn’t noticed that he had zoned out and had just put his character on standby. 

“You okay?” Ren asks, and he pauses the game.

“Just got lost in my thoughts.” he adds a chuckle to show Ren he’s just fine. 

“Thinking about him again?” Ren pushes and Takumi shakes his head.

“I’m actually thinking about you. About this.” he says as he fidgets with the edges of the controller he’s holding, refusing to meet eye contact. 

“Should I be worried?” He feels Ren shift from behind him, as Ren is lying down on his bed and Takumi is seated on the carpeted floor, leaning against the foot of the bed. 

“No, I—I just want to thank you. I’m sorry too. I really wasn’t in a good place these past few months, and I’m sorry I was a concern and I bothered you a lot. But spending time with you made it better for some reason, and I’m really thankful for that. If not for you, I don’t know where I’ll be today.” Takumi admits, finally turning his head to look at Ren. 

“It’s nothing, who else would look after you, if not me?” Ren says, and it makes Takumi’s heart skip a beat for a quick second. 

He’s shocked himself, and Ren catches him staring at him. The silver haired male raises his eyebrow and Takumi shakes his head, before giving him a quick smile. 

When he’s already done and packing up for the day, and he’s already returning to his room Ren leads him out. Ren looks like he wants to say something, and he’s just about to ask him what it is but before he could Ren had his arms wrapped around him, and his face is hit with the smell of Ren’s body mist. Their position is a little bit stiff, but Ren is hugging him warmly. He can’t seem to push him away, as he melts into his embrace further. Ren doesn’t say anything, just holds him then and there. 

When they let go of each other after the longest time, Ren wishes him a good night as he finally walks away. 

He couldn’t think as he walked back to his room, that he didn’t even notice the third person by the wall watching the entire exchange. 

* * *

Ren didn’t know what he was thinking, but Keigo’s voice telling him to never leave any chance passed by kept on ringing on his head, pounding on every nook and cranny that by the time it had reached his ears he was already courageous and dead set enough to do it. 

He wasn’t even thinking of the chance that Takumi might suddenly push him away that time, or tell him no, but the younger didn’t, much to Ren’s surprise.

He had always wanted to hug Takumi like that, to make him feel as if he’s safe in his arms. It feels good, and he keeps on thinking about the way Takumi fits in his arms like a fitted glove. 

Something had changed between the two of them ever since that night, and Ren could feel the shift in their dynamic. Takumi had begun to look at him differently, in a good way, and Ren couldn’t help but feel internally excited. This was something new, something he had been waiting for quite some time already and it feels surreal. 

Especially when he had mustered up the courage and kissed Takumi one night he was talking to Ren in his room, and Takumi didn’t push him away or reject his advances. They lay on Ren’s bed, in each other’s arms, as Ren kissed every inch of Takumi’s face and the younger’s hands left traces in parts of his body—his back, his arms, his neck. Takumi would run his fingers through Ren’s hair as the older kissed him slowly, and Ren feels as if he’s delirious, drunk at the moment.

One night he slips, muttering “I love you” in between kisses, and Takumi’s hands immediately stop tugging at his hair.

“What’s wrong?” he asks him, raising his head a little bit so their eyes meet. 

“Nothing, I just got surprised you would say that.” 

“Why? What’s surprising about that? I love you, Takumi—and I mean it.” he says. “You don’t have to tell me you love me now, I know we still have a long way to go and I’m not going to pressure you. But if we’re in the same right direction, kiss me.” 

Ren looks at him directly in the eyes, and Takumi’s expression softens right then and there.

Takumi pulls him in, passionately kissing him as if there’s no tomorrow, and it was enough for Ren. 

He spends most of his time with Takumi ever since then—it’s not that he’s afraid to let him go but he just doesn’t want to part from him. 

The pseudo-normalcy in the house still remains, with everyone minding their own business. 

Nobody meddles with them. Ruki doesn’t question why Takumi is always in Ren’s room. Sho doesn’t ask about when he caught them that one morning walking back from Ren’s morning jog—holding each other’s hand. Ren is waiting for someone to tell him to stop it, as if he’s not allowed to experience all of this. 

Nobody does, and that’s when he decides to finally relax.

It’s been weeks, and everything is well—if the meaning of well was having nothing eventful happen. Business and work goes on as usual, with individual and subunit projects laid here and there so the other members have something to do. Everyone is moving, working towards their goals and dreams. With Takumi by his side holding his hand where they can’t be seen, Ren feels as if he can conquer anything and everything. 

It has lulled Ren into a false sense of security—until one day he returns back from practice and finds Junki sitting in their living room. 

He looks better, more recovered. He’s gained weight that he lost from the last time they have seen him, and he’s sitting there awkwardly as if it’s his first time being in the place. 

“You’re back.” Ren says, his tone sounding weird even to his own ears. “How have you been?” 

“I feel better.” Junki replies, and he sounds close enough to his old self, except that he acts and speaks calmer now, unlike the Junki before that had his spirits up most of the time. 

“Will you be staying here for good now again?” he asks, and he hopes for one answer.

“For the meantime, yes.” Junki says, and his heart sinks a little. 

“That’s good to hear,”  _ not _ —he thinks. “Well, I guess I’ll see you around.” 

The other members begin to file in the house and they’re as surprised as he was, and he takes it as a cue to leave and tries to slip away quietly. Right on time he then notices the mop of pink hair entering the house and Takumi’s first instinct was to look at him and smile, and Ren wants to capture that in his head forever—Takumi just smiling at him. The younger male looks towards where the other boys have gone straight to, and Ren could see the exact moment that Takumi froze, looking at Junki’s figure from afar. 

“Takumi.” Junki calls, despite being tackled into a hug by Issei at the time, and Ren gets to watch how Takumi walks towards Junki and gets enveloped into a hug. Something inside him twists, and then drops down to the floor, crashing into a hundred pieces. 

The fantasy had dropped and spilled, now they’re back to reality. 

* * *

Keigo feels as if the stars have aligned to his fate, to his favor. 

Junki is back in the residence, and he feels as if all the cells in his body are on edge. He’s excited, and he finds himself smiling more than he should. 

His Junkichi is back, and he’s almost close to getting Takumi.

Keigo watches from a respectable distance, how Junki tries to act normal again with the other members. They’re doing a good job at making him believe everything had been normal and nothing was happening while he was away. He might have to thank the other members for that, that’s one less thing he has to think about.

“It’s like you’re waiting for me here,” Keigo says, when he catches Junki sitting in his spot in the veranda one night. “It’s good to see you here again, Junkichi.”

He can see Junki’s hand tremble, his breathing becomes a little unstable, and Keigo could see how hard the older is fighting it. 

“I wasn’t waiting for you. I couldn’t breathe inside.” Junki says, tone a little sharper than he usually spoke. 

“I’ve already occupied so much space inside your heart that it’s making your heart to breathe—you flatter me too much.” he teases him, as he leans on the railing to look directly at Junki. He missed that face after all. The fact that he could stand in front of Junki like this was already something he was overjoyed about.

“I’m going to kill you.” Junki says, looking at him directly. 

“You’re too hostile, baby. I’d love to see you try though.” 

“I want to hit you right now.” 

“Go ahead—” Keigo puffs up his chest in Junki’s direction. “I deserve it. Go hit me a couple of times to relieve your anger. It’s healthy that way.” 

Junki does, hit him in the chest. He hits him once, then twice, and when he urges Junki to hit him more he does it until Keigo couldn’t count anymore. Junki hits him with all his might, not just in the chest but in his arms and neck and basically every inch of him that Junki can reach. The older is flushed red in anger, and he’s shaking the moment he’s done with Keigo.

For some reason, Keigo doesn’t find it painful. Probably because it was Junki.

“Does that make you feel better?” Keigo asks, as he fixes himself. 

“No.” 

“Maybe kissing me will make you feel better.” 

“You’re crazy.” Junki says, and Keigo laughs.

“For you, and only you.” he says, feeling proud of himself. 

“I came back here, because I wanted to not be scared. I wanted to get back at you. But even as I hit you I don’t feel satisfied.” Junki says, looking at his shaking hands. The tremors still hasn’t left him, but Junki’s stubborness is fighting through it. It’s one of the things that Keigo liked about him. 

“You’ll never be satisfied. Even if I drop dead one day, you’ll be there and you’ll see that it’s not as satisfying as you think it is.” Keigo says, hands itching to grab a cigarette and smoke, but not yet, he needs to get through this one first. “What are you going to do after? Ride the sunset with Takumi and live a happy ending? I don’t think that’s quite possible.” 

“What do you mean?” Junki asks, eyes squinting at him a little. 

“Do you think Takumi really only sat around here waiting for you like a damsel in distress after all this time you’ve been away? He’s moved on, my dear Junkichi. It’s about time you move on too.” 

“You’re lying.” Junki spits out almost immediately after. 

“How rich was that, coming from you—of all people. If there’s anything I would never do to you, it’s to lie.” 

“But attempted murder you will?” Junki says, incredulous.

“I never intended for that to happen. I was in the wrong headspace. I would never put you in harm’s way. You’re my Junkichi. I love you more than anything else on this planet.” 

“Well you  _ did,  _ what’s done is done. With that, how do you expect me to believe everything you say now? You’re insane.” Junki lays it down as if it's a fact, and Keigo crosses his arms. 

“If you don’t believe me, why don’t you go ask Takumi yourself? Go ahead. I’ll even accompany you to Ren’s room right now. I’m pretty sure he’s there.” Keigo is confident as he says it and Junki gets up, feeling crossed. They walk to the rooms, and he even lets Junki knock on Ren’s door, with an amused look on his face. 

The door opens, and Ren is there standing looking puzzled at the two of them. Junki shoots him a look but then they both can clearly see Takumi inside, and Junki pushes Ren out of the way to get in.

“Junki ㅡ” Takumi starts and Junki stops right in front of him.

“Hey Takumi, why don’t you tell everyone in this room the truth?” he says, fueling the fire. "It's about damn time all of us get the answers to all the pending questions you refuse to acknowledge."

"What's going on Takumi?" Ren asks, clearly confused. 

“Junki, I’m sorryㅡ” Takumi starts and he’s clearly distraught. 

“Sorry for what? Have you really been hooking up with Ren while I was gone?” Junki is in disbelief. 

“It’s not supposed to happen, but Iㅡ” 

“But it happened. There’s that.” 

“You didn't want to be with me, when all I tried was to comfort you and console you at that time! What are you being so mad for anyway?” Takumi almost yells, frustrated. “When you found out that Keigo liked you and Sho wanted us to help him get betterㅡwhat did you do? You took every chance you can to make out with him.” 

"That was different." Junki answers, and Takumi shakes his head.

"No, how was that any different? Deep down in there you liked Keigo too, to some extent for you to do that plan. You knew it was careless and dumb but you still led him on and didn't want to let me go. I thought about it. I've always thought about it because every night I couldn't sleep thinking about how scared I was back then knowing Keigo is just a couple of doors down and he could kill me as well and you took the easy way out by leaving! I don't know why you didn't tell Sho the truth, but if you're going to keep on acting like this to me then maybe you did deserve whatever Keigo did to you that night." 

Takumi has exploded, like a ticking time bomb and despite every word that was being dropped Keigo feels like as if he's in the eye of the storm. 

"I don't understandㅡWhat do you all mean? What happened that night?" Ren asks, and Keigo gives the pink haired male a glance.

"Didn't he tell you about it? He and Junki lied to me and played with meㅡpretending as if Junki liked me all the while they were conspiring behind my back." he says, and Junki snaps at him.

"Don't speak as if you're the victim here, Keigo." 

"I'll say whatever I want to say, both of you messed me up first!" he yells at them and then gathers himself again. 

Ren shakes his head, confused and appalled. "I'm sorry this is too much for me to take and, Iㅡ" Ren stops mid sentence. "God, was everything even real Takumi? or am I being played at as well? Did you go to me because I told you I loved you and I knew nothing? Tell me, yes or no." 

Takumi looks at Junki, and then at Ren. 

"What we had was real andㅡ" Takumi starts and Ren cuts him off.

"I asked a yes or no question, Takumi. Just one word. Did you only come to me because it was convenient for you?" Ren is mad now, and Takumi just stood there without an answer. 

Ren was kind and even gave him a few extra seconds but Takumi couldn't say a word.

"Guess I was also played, too. You're messed up, Takumi." Ren says, before grabbing his jacket and storming outside.

"Ren wait let me explainㅡ"

"Don't fucking follow me." Ren growls at him, and Takumi is left by the door. 

When Takumi looks back at them in the room, Junki shakes his head wordlessly and pushes him away as he walks out. 

Takumi looked helpless, and Keigo took a few more seconds in the room to take that all in.

"I told you, you should watch your back always." he says as he walks to leave the room. Takumi shoots him a look, and he's not sure if it's anger or horror, probably a mixture of both.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" Takumi's fists are curled up in anger. 

"Very much so." 

"You're sick." Takumi says, and he tilts his head at him.

"I know. But you did this to yourself. Think about that tonight before you go to sleep." he says, giving him a pat on the shoulder that Takumi immediately pushes away.

Keigo claps his hands as he walks away, as if he's removing the excess dirt on it. He's done now, he thinks. All that's left is to do is give Junki a good night kiss, smoke one last cigarette, and take a long good night's sleep.

* * *

  
  


Ren's just finished running, the way he usually does to clear his head off of things. He's jogging back to the mansion and even from afar he could spot someone smoking in the veranda. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who it is.

Keigo is there, staring at the empty expanse of land with a cigarette in hand. He's almost done, with only a few drags left. Keigo nods at him when he's arrived, and offers him a stick of cigarette from his pack. He shakes his head, even though he finds it tempting to try and Keigo smirks at him. Keigo knows he's going to decline but still never bothers asking, just like the other times.

They stand there in silence, with only the sound of nature wrapped around them. It's very much late out, both of them having no idea of the time but it doesn't matter. 

"Will you be okay?" Keigo asks, breaking out the silence as he huffs out the smoke.

"I'll be fine. At least that's all done now, and I can move past everything. I can't believe you were right." he says, leaning on his back at the post. "Thanks for telling me sooner, at least I didn't fall in the trap too much." 

"I'm just looking out for you. You did well too man, the yes or no question? Loved that bit." Keigo says, chuckling a little as he taps on his stick for the ash to fall. "You should have seen the look on Takumi's face. Priceless." 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know your thoughts down at the comments below and at twitter @ for__jo1 :>


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